Gnarly skin infection

For the Week of July 16, 2007
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DAYS Two Scoops: Gnarly skin infection
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Our columnist was not able to provide a new column this week. Instead, please enjoy a look back at what was happening in Salem during the week of July 11, 2005.

I'm always transfixed by Macdonald Carey's voice. It's full of dignity and integrity.

I missed Sami, who provided the title of this installment. I hope she's not through saying Caracas instead of Kiriakis. My girl knows her geography! I also miss Old Man Caracas. I found him scary back when there was intrigue over an attic portrait. Now that I can appreciate his villainy, it's become the Tab soda of the show.

Why does Rex care that his parents are together? He barely knows them. I think Sami wants their fake dad and her mom together because their current spouses are anti-Sami and therefore not worthy. She's just doing easy math with the fallible four. As for her own love life, she shouldn't let Lucas jerk her around. Lucas is such a tool. Kate ISN'T in hell. Even if Philip were in such agony that he begged for death, it wouldn't mean Sami shouldn't speak her mind about Kate.

Philip: "Forgive my mom." No, never, absolutely not. If it's discovered that Kate set up Sami and Brandon, I don't expect a payoff. Her defenders will be very understanding; they won't come down on her the way they do on Sami. Even when Marlena mustered the brainpower to speak against Kate, the most she could say was an apologetic "I know she's your wife, but I don't like her attitude." Can we drop that intro, people? If you mean "I don't want to hurt your feelings," say so. I guess Marlena wouldn't take up with Roman if he obviously left Kate for her. That's why he so eagerly said he'd dump Kate if he learns she nipped the nuptials. Roman, when you can't mention your daughter without your wife going off on you, it's time to leave her. Go check out Bonnie. Or Patrick.

Sami and Shawn are torturing themselves, waiting around for Lucas and Belle to take them back. I'm tired of hearing "Lucas, please!" Lucas keeps giving Sami ultimatums, and she inexplicably accepts his crap. I mean, his judgment is impaired: he thinks Kate's innocent! Leave him to her, Sami. Go get his brother. I was hoping Austin would be back this week, as I was ready with Blake Shelton lyrics. "And P.S. If this is Austin, I still love you." Sami doesn't blame Lucas for anything. Wasn't he an abusive alcoholic? I did like that Lucas admitted he still loves Sami, and the AA advice to Nicole was a nice surprise. I don't know from drunkenness, but it doesn't look like Nicole, right? TV and movies have used that caricature for more than forty years. It isn't funny. Make it stop. It's like fainting and nausea as indicators of pregnancy. Oh, no! Is Jack pregnant? Because he CANNOT get pregnant right now (Will Ferrell, "Bewitched"). I was wondering what happened to the melodrama and cheesy music soaps used to have, but I adore the Fainting Flare.

Last week, we heard a ridiculous exchange. Philip: "You're my world, you are everything to me. And I think you always have been." Belle: "I know what you mean." Well, I don't. What happened to Shawn&Belle, cute as all get-out, and the whole snowman declaration of love? When did this "always" take place? This week, it was: "If I had to choose between losing my leg all over again or losing Belle, I'd lose my leg without even thinking about it." That's insane! But it means he should quit crying and go all Pollyanna on our @$$es.

I used to wish "Clubhouse" and "North Shore" would be canceled so Kirsten Storms and Jay Kenneth Johnson could return as Belle and Philip. Half my wish came true. But KS is doing an excellent job in, and is the best recast possible for, a role that shouldn't have been recast. Ever. Also, I see a resemblance between KS and Robyn Richards, around the eyes. Maybe it's just the same makeup. KS said she's a GH fan, even rooting for GH actors at the Emmys, so I'm happy for her. As for JKJ, his Philip had a regal bearing, the sense of entitlement of one born to wealth. Plus, he's pretty. So I like the current Belle and Philip together, but if JKJ returned, he'd be cute with Mimi. Roman said Eric was thinking of coming home, now that the novelty of the living dead has died down. But the WB snagged Jensen Ackles, effed up his hair, and put him to work with Rory Gilmore's effing stalker triple ex. I don't know, maybe "Days" stole Pamela's idea and hired Dan Wells as Eric.

I thought Shawn and Belle were set up as their generation's Bo and Hope. Or better yet, Jack and Jennifer. I don't know if Bo and Hope took this long to get it together, but I wish Shawn and Belle had had more time between Jan's pregnancy and cage. I think she'll get away with the assault via drugging and brainwashing, kidnapping, and sexual assault and rape. Because we're supposed to think that being a sex slave is ideal.

The Salem Sex Police: Tek and Bo are getting busy, and Roman was looking for Tony, probably hoping to offer him up to Marlena so she'll get with him again. There's no one at PD to handle Shawn's complaint against Jan. He'd have to join the force and arrest her himself, which is possible even though she's in Comaville, as Bonnie put it. "Days" can rip off "21 Jump Street" as Shawn goes undercover and takes out his rage on drug dealers. Or he can open branch of a little-known company. It can be the new hot hangout, which might give Abby something to do away from her beloved parents. It will be Shawnbucks coffee in the front, club Kirioke in the back. By day, Shawn will be a barista. By night, he will work out his grief (or nurse it) by belting out power ballads. But his signature song will be a duet with a mysterious blonde. "You have no right to ask me how I feel / You have no right to speak to me so kind / I can't go on holding on to ties / Now that we're living separate lives." You know, they're separated by a HALLWAY. I completely forgot that Shawn will be eating his heart out ACROSS THE HALL from Aunt Belle and Uncle Philip.

Shawn has ignored everyone's orders, yet feels justified in bossing about his Aunt Belle. He needs to realize she has every right to run herself through with the Marine sword of marriage. Shawn: "I promise you I will find a way for us to be together." Please don't. Really. It was funny when he pushed Aunt Belle into the office of the Mile High Club, then said, "I get that you're in a difficult position."

Bo forgot all about Shawn's hearing! What happened to the "Fancy Face" and the "FF II"? Shipwrecked off the coast of Georgia, were they? I know naming a vessel after one's love is a tradition, but that nickname creeps me out. I don't want to see Bo and Hope [or Billie] literally rocking the boat for years to come. It's bad enough that, unless he starts acting more like Victor, we're going to spend those years hearing about how great Philip is. It'll be like the year or so people took off from calling b.s. on Philip's boss. So, if there's any way he's faking his amputation just to keep Belle, that will be awesome.

Dumbest line of the week goes to Roman: "Doc, are you pregnant?" For those of you who don't associate that word with Bugs Bunny (and therefore the original, and best, version of "The Shining"), you have the luck o' the Irish. Non-Salem Irish, o' course. Is Roman capable of emotion? He looks as if he's always set to "slightly perturbed," and the groove between his eyebrows reminds me of Peter Horton as the titular Beast.

I recently discovered that there is a third Roman, who will be returning as another character. To some, Wayne Northup is the original Roman. His curly hair did strike me as familiar, but in my world, Drake Hogestyn is Roman. I used to watch when Christie Clark was on and the twins were no more than six years old. Years later, I tuned in to hear all this "John Black" crap. It was several more years before I determined whether the viewers were in on it. I had no idea there was so much hostility toward Josh Taylor's Roman. I thought it was just me, although on my part, it's a grudge and resentment because he is a tear in the time-space continuum that is John & Marlena. Kate, on Sami: "She's Satan's spawn." See, Real Roman fans? Kate hates FauxRo, too. He looked strangely appropriate behind the cell bars. Roman: "So, Marlena, what do I need to know?" Just that you're a captivity-complacent, Marlena-obsessed, spoon-hiding FREAK!

Roman was way too happy when he said, "Remember when we thought Belle was mine?" Like Marlena was supposed to say, "Good times. Let's do it again real soon...whoops." I'm afraid they think she should be with whomever is complicit in her pregnancy at any given time. Yet no one thought Hope and John should hook up when JT was thought to be John's. John and Roman can fight for the privilege of propping up Marlena's pillows, if you know what I mean. With Kate jealous of Marlena being with either man, I originally hoped she would cause a miscarriage. But she'd probably blame it on sweet Sami and get away with it! Kate suspects Sami of working with Tony; she's probably jealous that she didn't think of it first.

I'd like to see Kate and Billie fight over a man. Have they done that yet? I can't wait until Kate gets a hold of Georgia. Oh, how Kate's eyes will sparkle as she plans to ru(i)n yet another sex life! I wish Jan were Georgia. It would explain a lot, and then I could like her. She and her mom could laugh about the alleged allure of the Brady boys. Incest Alert (IA): That would mean Shawn is Jan's brother.

Miriam Elizabeth has never watched Lifetime. Did she think prison was a sabbatical? If her brother works for Tony, he should have busted her out between the courtroom and the jail. I guess they don't have daily transports to Statesville.

Bonnie's nail file cake was almost as dumb as Philip wailing, "Can they sew it back on?" Almost. But Bonnie won me over with her sex tape. If you're watching "Days" in prison, don't call the Innocence Project just yet. Real people aren't spirited out of jail the way Mimi was. I've never heard of appealing a plea bargain. The sentence, yes. The judge shouldn't have had a (possibly ex parte) conference with Edward Quartermaine based on the surveillance tapes. They aren't new evidence, and because they weren't used against her, there was no incorrect police procedure or prosecutorial misconduct in not turning them over to the defense. Apparently, Tek didn't even take them. The only use for those tapes is by the prosecutor, as evidence when he charges Mimi with perjury!

Of her abortion, lies to Rex, and statements about Jan, these three, only the last were illegal, yet those consequences were the most easily shed. Too bad the judge couldn't make her pregnancy disappear, too. Instead of believing her barrenness to mean she's suffered enough (the way Rex should see it), Mimi had to twist what happened with Jan to fit her need for punishment.

Mimi shouldn't let Rex have it both ways. He said he wasn't ready to be a dad, yet he's equally righteous now that he's changed his mind? Sure, he didn't know the question wasn't hypothetical, but screw him, Mimi, you did no wrong! Go turn rebound into real love, or friendship into forever, with Shawny D.

Marlena: "I'm a little nauseated." Me too. And for the same reason. Mimi all but turned green when she guessed Marlena's malady, and that made up for all her crap about Rex. The spell was broken, however, when she asked the childish question presuming that sex equals love. Also, why would Belle be "thrilled" to have a sibling? Was she sad to lose JT, a sibling she would have shared with her soulmate and the-boyfriend? Forgive me, father, for I have time-warped. It's been two months since my last indiscretion. Good job, Marlena, your dirty secret is safe with Mimi. And Roman. Silly Marlena! Telling first is for husbands! Does she know John gave Belle the pearls or whatever?

What's this crap John spouts about how Marlena's fanatic about her vows? They're more important than her children, herself, her husband, or her actual marriage? If so, there was no need for Roman to "give her up," as he put it, because Belle was John's. Marlena cried because her champagne was smug, knowing it had more backbone. Funny, she didn't cry when she talked Roman into playing Simon Says to the tune of the live spousal porn feed.

Why does John feel he too had to choose between Shawn and Philip? Suddenly, Philip is a better husband for Belle, and John made some weird ninja hand move when he said "a better match all around." When did Belle become the "perfect wife"? She has no job, spends all her time crying, and her only goal is to be with Shawn. No, Philip. No, Shawn.

Where was John's plane when he was GOING to Germany? Is it the Titan jet? There was a nicely balanced scene with Philip and John at either end of the couch. Maybe because they're so full of crap. I guess we're going to see a lot of blocking where people are sitting at Philip's foot.

John: "Nothing I wouldn't do for him." Hm. Ever heard of fan fiction, John? Also, if Belle is pregnant by Shawn, will you help Philip pretend to be the dad? (Of course, he will be, legally.) Is Marlena going to pretend her baby is John's? Like a female gorilla duping the new alpha male so he won't kill his former rival's heir.

John: "[B]oth of our marriages are gonna be in trouble." I bet Kate was dying to say, "Tell me more." She doesn't give a toss about Roman. Why is she playing martyr? She should be scheming to recapture John. Kate: "I guess I've been pretty hard to put up with these past few days. Thank you..." It's a thankless task, Kate, and it's been way more than a few "Days."

Exactly how did John "take such good care" of Philip? By stealing the wheelchair and making him fly with no other medical equipment? Where are his drugs, doctor's orders, gift bag from HMM?! What idiot decided he could go home with a serious injury and lie ON THE COUCH? He should have a hospital bed and 24-hour professional nursing care. Why does he live in a crappy loft with a poster that may be "Le Chat Noir," witness to two real-life deaths? And if he does actually go to the hospital, crikey, does this mean Lexie ALSO specializes in physical therapy? (Insert your own Tek joke here.)

As Sami said, "It's Chloe and Brady forever." Does anyone have the vanity plate BROE4EVR? Ha ha, "vanity." So, the flesh-eating bacteria left Chloe LESS scarred? Where can I get some infected surgical instruments? If she thinks she's so hideous, why does she bother with lipstick? Brady: "Chloe, you couldn't be ugly if you tried." IS she scarred, as her parents and Nicole saw her, or was Brady looking at her through the eyes of a gagging love?

Brady is SO CUTE when he smiles at Chloe. I don't know if it's acting or because Kyle Lowder has a real fondness for Nadia Bjorlin. Maybe it's because he knew his Days were numbered. "Nothing underneath those bandages could possibly change the way I feel about you." I like you, too, Brady, but I'm not wearing any b-- Oh.

I don't mind that Chloe's bandages never hid the fact that NB is gorgeous. It's karmic: when Chloe was a nerd, the hairdressers greased up NB's long tresses. She had to wash out that crap every day. Nevertheless, I was proud of the show for hiring hotties in anticipation of the bloomin' o' the wallflowers. Remember Bruce Michael Hall?

Brady: "I'm gonna take you somewhere special, somewhere we can be alone." Chloe: "Where?" Primetime, baby. Brady, there's no disrespect in reupholstering your mom's flowered couch. Chloe, it's not every woman's fantasy to have a selection of year-old musty clothes in her dead would-be mother-in-law's cabin. Oh, you meant Brady, who took off his shirt and saved you from your self-imposed celibacy.

When I was growing up, all the caution tales were about pregnancy (See: Afterschool Special "Too Soon for Jeff," starring Freddie Prinze Jr. and Jessica Alba). I applaud the show and network for broaching a different topic. But they've put Chelsea and Max on a one-way oral sex street, with Abby as an innocent bystander. If there's a point, they need to make it soon, and clearly. In the abhorrent words of Max, they need "to get down to it." But not if it results in pamphlet recitation. When characters quote statistics, I tune out. You can't have people going around drugging others, faking pregnancies and paternity, switching lab tests, committing adultery and rape, and then expect me to believe they are troubled enough about a subject to recall percentages.

Shut up, Abby! There's nothing wrong with being a slut. (Okay, I totally agreed with you when I was...whatever age you are.) "Go parking"? "What would your mother say"? They're back in Salem, all right, but circa 1950.

Oh, Chelsea. How can Patrick be jealous if he never cared? If she's going to be the conniving troublemaker, she can't let Max use her (See: Marler, Dinah; GL). Chelsea should have added penicillin to those water balloons. She and Max completely ignored host Abby, and drove back to Bloodborne Pathogen Lake. Nice going.

Max preset his radio station to WNST (assuming Salem is east of the Mississippi). That was fast! "Your girlfriend gets around." So (allegedly) do you, @$$! Max is an effing moron, asking Chelsea if she's ever done it after she said SHE'S SAVING HERSELF. To what might he think that refers? Max and Frankie haven't left the Deveraux property, yet Max claimed he heard the invisible Salem girls cooing over Patrick, while Frankie and the men know Patrick's "a loser." Is Max jealous of Patrick? Maybe he's been burned by love and Frankie's wallet-sized Jennifer reminded him.

Will's at camp. No, not camp! You know who else went to camp? Max. If they age Will to make these jerks a foursome, there's still an IA. Lucas is Jennifer's brother, so Will and Abby are cousins. On Sami's side, Will and Georgia are cousins. And Frankie and Max are legally uncles to Will and Georgia.

So Frankie's already pulling a Patrick, hanging out in the Deveraux house rather than his garage apartment. He even stayed for more than one kissing session. Is it customary to make out with one's husband in from of one's ex? Jack: "I'll tell you what, just being in proximity to you always gets my heart pounding." Awww! I hate the recitation of poetry, but not from you! Jack and Jennifer are the only real couple. They adore each other and can disagree without rushing off with members of the Homewreckers Association. He readily confessed the accidental adultery and had timely testing for STDs. Meanwhile, the fallible four keep passing the same strains amongst themselves.

Fashion, etc.: If the long sleeves under short sleeves trend isn't over, Shawny, you can be the first. Please? And no dark colors for Frankie; they make him look Billy Warlock's age. Belle was wearing cute shoes on the plane, strappy heeled sandals whose wedginess was blocked by John's feet. I liked Sami's sparkly jade shrug. Bo and Hope: paisley? Por quoi?

Phew, Philip got a haircut. For a while, it seemed he was growing a mullet. Is that even possible, or is the Wiesbaden hospital staffed by sadists? Those are cute curls on Sami and Abby.

I like that the personal photographs are all publicity stills. Of particular interest is Chloe's picture of Brady in a model pose, a picture that inexplicably strengthened her resolve to maintain her distance.


-Dear NBC, stop disrupting the show. We know we can turn to other channels for news. Just because we're watching "Days" doesn't mean we're stupid.

-Nothing happened on Friday. What happened to cliffhangers? Will Shawn get inside his apartment before Uncle Roman can arrest him? Dun-dun-dun! Dun-dun-dun.

- I counted eight Salem secrets, of which Marlena knows six. She doesn't know Sami is Stan or that Kate sabotaged Sami's wedding.

-I couldn't get into the show back when Rex and Cassie were presumed to be aliens. Now that I like Cassie and her pretty hair, she's living offscreen! Maybe they've confused the laws of physics and believe that twins (or Brady boys) can't occupy the same space. It would also explain a Rex exit and possible Eric return.

-Max should be a spokesperson for that herpes medication for jerks who can't be bothered and think treating their disease should be easier.

-I can't believe Lexie slept with Tek after he went out with her married colleague. On L&O, that's a "pattern of behavior."

-Does Jack like baseball? He's due to die around the playoffs. And if Chelsea starts now, she'll be due for another full STD panel about the same time.

-Will someone please tell Philip that Shawn drove his motorcycle into a tree because Belle said no? Then he can ask why she was literally in a position to do that. Hey, Rex was supposed to be stalking her for Philip!

Reader feedback: I received one email. Thanks, Andy! As it was a question I couldn't answer straightaway, I'll use this space for a correction. Last week, I accidentally deleted the beginning of a post, including the credit. Here it is in its entirety -- AllyKitten: "Interesting thought, Harry! I think every islander will wind up with some kind of 'ailment', and I know many people are speculating that Marlena's 'pregnancy' isn't really a pregnancy at all - merely another DiMera 'fake-out', if you will."

Acknowledgments: Last week's title is from Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young." Thank you kindly, Pamela, for trusting me with your column. And welcome back! "Your dreams were your ticket out // Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back." I so wish I could do music notes.

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