Mini Me

For the Week of December 13, 2004
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Michael has the gangster suit now, and the lingo 'I'm connected' -- as well as the mindset to threaten anyone who gets in the way of something he wants. Mini-Me is complete, a clone of Sonny

Michael has the gangster suit now, and the lingo "I'm connected" -- as well as the mindset to threaten anyone who gets in the way of something he wants. Mini-Me is complete, a clone of Sonny. How can this be? It seems that a guy as regretful of his choices, a guy who is so religious as to bargain with God and beg forgiveness for his sins, a guy who constantly boasts about the supreme care he takes of his children, and his vow to never let any harm come to his kids would be more careful to make sure his children didn't emulate his thug habits. But no, Michael is marching about town in a suit threatening to use his "connections" to get rid of people he doesn't approve of. Again I say, Michael needs his butt whooped, or to be sent to some private Catholic School out of the sightlines of day to day mob dealings. Carly chuckles as if there is something cute about a 10 year old threatening to have someone whacked, just like those Mom's who watch their kids run around department stores breaking things and giggle as though they are observing a sitcom rather than parenting a real child who is disturbing the rest of the shoppers with their bad behavior.

What's next? Will Morgan get a gun-shaped binkie, or maybe Kristina will get a pole to dance around in tribute of her Daddy's strip joint past? If they want us to root for Sonny as a father, if they expect us to say "Yeah, even though he's a Mob Boss, he's a really good Daddy" then they have to write Sonny as a good Daddy, and - he's not. He allows Michael to witness his business dealings to the point Michael has learned to glorify killing and threatening people. Sure, usually it's because Michael has snuck down to the staircase and listened in, but even so, Sonny's choice of conducting criminal activities and discussions in the living room of his home kind of invites Michael to overhear, don't ya think? They would always. Oh, I don't know ... walk across the hall to Jason's place?

I'd love to have AJ back, because in spite of his drinking and his arsonist past, he would be a better influence on Michael than Sonny would be. Or maybe not, but it sure would be a fun custody fight. And give Edward something to do since he has no Lila, no Heather, no ELQ, and nothing to do. And hook AJ up with Faith just for added fun.

Of course, before that happens, we must have the battle over Kristina's custody, and I hope that whoever wins custody of that child has her tested. She never moves, or speaks, or cries, or laughs. She is Zombie Child. She was in the hospital dying and never even whimpered or cried out for Mommy. Now she is better and still just stares blankly off into the ozone when people speak to her. Have they drugged her to keep her from uttering unwritten lines? She's a beautiful little girl, but about as lucid as Laura. At least we get to see Kristina's face instead of just the back of her head or a ring-less finger. Let the kid talk. Or laugh. Or bite the doctor. Or something.

I am hard pressed to write about Nik and Em without using spoilers of the upcoming nonsense yet to be, so beware. Nik has been sentenced to life in prison by some judge who looks like he should have retired in 1973. But, Hakuna Matata, no worries. Our endlessly lurking Connor is set to have plastic surgery to remove his scruffy exterior and volunteer to go to prison for Nik so Nik can go free and live happily ever after with Emily. Say what? Are you kidding me? Who would fall for that? Will Nik then have to pretend to be Connor for the rest of time and talk like Rocky Balboa? Will Connor have to learn manners instead of duck whittling? Is Connor so guilty for going AWOL that he'd do a LWP prison term for a veritable stranger? And of course, it's a moot point, since Helena isn't really dead and eventually she will pop up and whichever dude is in jail will be released. As I recall, there is some body double still doing time for Helena in some other distant jail. I guess all the Cassadine's must have twins. Must come in handy. I bet Scott Petersen wishes he had a twin right about now. Of course, I'm not supposed to know that is coming up and I am supposed to be wringing my hands worrying about Nik going to Pentonville for the rest of his days. But I do know and I'm not wringing and I am weary of Emily's whining and I wish Connor would kidnap her and gag her and put her in Ric's old secret room for a few months.

Jax's Mom Lady Jane doesn't like Courtney. Courtney's Dad Mike doesn't like Jax. Why not hook them up and let them have Old People Sex so they can leave their kids alone? He can sing that delightful Joshua Kadison "Do you love me Lady Jane" song to her and she can give him money to gamble with. It's the perfect match. OTOH, Courtney and Diego is a BAD match as a woman who can't even take care of her damn dog shouldn't have been given a foster child. Diego is on the verge of finding out his Dad is Lorenzo, and after that, I'm hoping he will get his son acting lessons much in the way he bought his niece a record contract.

Someone needs to buy Sam some waterproof eye makeup, and I can say that in good conscience as I have used it quite extensively myself these past few months. If you're in that frame of mind where you need a good cry every day, there's just no reason to do it with smeared eyeliner and runny mascara. I mean if you want a honey like Jason to kiss you again, you have to try to look attractive. Or maybe not, he is after all on a long romantic dry spell, so her eyes may not be the focus of his gaze. Sam says she wants more and swears she can accept what Jason does. Well, in the heat of the moment with a Hunka-Hunka Burning Thug like Jason I can see why she'd say that. But one day when she wakes up in bed with a gun beside her it won't be as fun. Not that I am admitting to knowing this firsthand, but let's just say there was a brief run in with a hunky drug dealer in college that made me think twice about the appeal of cute criminals. (Stop laughing, Betsy) Sam bolted from Jason's place and went right to the bar to drown her sorrow in booze and hit on Coleman, who has thankfully lost the perm.

Carly is trying a date with Steven, but like Sam has a penchant for Bad Boys and let's face it Carly got bored with noble doctor Tony Jones in about 4 seconds. Of course, he was her step-dad and way older than she was and ...boring... but not like Steven is a fireball either. I like him, don't get me wrong - I just can't imagine Carly being content to be with someone so... normal.

What will ha0ppen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Santa have anyone on his nice list in Port Charles over the age of 10? Will they remove Kristina's Stepford Baby Chip so she can whine like a normal toddler? Will Courtney stop being an idiot and accept all the generous gift of prime office space the Handsome Rich Guy is offering to her? Will the GH staff remember that it's Christmas Time and let the Candy Stripers wear their Sexy Ghost of Sage Elf Outfits? Will Jason finally cave and let Sam seduce him?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.

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