Things I-Guana Tell You

For the Week of March 28, 2016
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Service lizards, bared bras, fake names, coded messages, happy divorcees, forbidden kisses -- so many exciting things happened in Port Charles this week, and I-Guana tell you all about them in this week's Two Scoops!

Service lizards. Turns out it's a thing. I looked it up because it sounded so absurd to me. I discovered that bearded dragons are actually allowed to be classified as service animals if the person requesting an animal companion is allergic to dogs or to fur in general.

Like the housekeeper at the Metro Court, I would run out of the room screaming and refuse to go back in, as I am not a fan of anything reptilian.

In other nerd research that I did this week, it turns out that there is a one in a trillion chance of having a doppelgänger. So, the odds of John McBain, Silas Clay, and Hamilton Finn all having the exact same face is probably one in a quadrillion. But Michael Easton is back, and he's playing a weird, quirky, lizard-toting medical savant, so I shall suspend my disbelief and go along with any absurd plot twist necessary because I love him.

Thankfully, Dr. Finn has a treatment to save Tracy, but I get the feeling there is more to that story. As soon as she ran into Lord Ashton and then got sick, I was worried, as he was in league with Jerry Jacks at one point, and we know Jerry loves to play with poison and infectious diseases. I can hardly wait until Sam runs into Dr. Finn. Or better yet, Lucy Coe.

I am curious about what his ailments are that require a service animal and hope there is a real story behind it, maybe PTSD, maybe an anxiety disorder, just make it something really complex and let Michael Easton actually act. But, as Hamilton noted, we are legally not allowed to ask him that question!

In other unfolding plots this week, Parker showed up at Kristina's house again, a house that is always filled with Davis girls, yet both times that Parker has shown up it's been just her and Kristina. Does she wait until she sees everyone else leave?

I'm still trying to get a read on her. Part of me thinks she is just a nice lady who is trying to help give Kristina the courage to own/discover her sexuality, and another part of me feels like she is toying with Kristina's emotions for her own need to be desired. What is your take, dear readers?

I can hardly wait until Sonny discovers that the person he sent his goons to beat up is a woman, not a man. Whatever will he do with that? Truth be told, I think Sonny will be much more accepting of Kristina's sexuality than she expects him to be. Alexis, too.

Fear is a liar so often, but we let it whisper in our ear. I have a friend who is almost 40, and he finally came out to his family, and they said, "Did you think we didn't know?" But they are very devoutly religious, and he was terrified of offending them, so he kept it quiet for his entire adult life. They knew all along but didn't say anything to him because they assumed he wanted it to be a secret. I think about the two decades they all tiptoed around it and worried about offending each other and could have loved each other openly instead.

I know that isn't the case in some families and that some families are broken apart not just by a person's sexuality but by any decision they make that is outside of what the family thinks is normal or acceptable. That makes me sad, but I know it happens. I honestly don't think that will be the case with Kristina's family.

What do you think, dear readers? Will Kristina's parents support her or reject her? I think part of her fear is tied into confusion. She isn't quite sure where she stands yet and is still figuring it all out. At the beginning of this storyline, I was judge-y about the writers just suddenly making her gay and what I needed to see is the struggle that we now see her going through. I wanted to see the transition, the struggle, the confusion, and the uncertainty rather than just have her show up in town, miraculously changed with no explanation. I am far more satisfied with this story now that it has some context.

As always, Lexi Ainsworth is knocking it out of the park. That young lady can act. Kristina's emotional journeys are always played delicately and not over the top, she's so believable. I was furious when she was recast a few years back and am delighted they brought back the "real" Kristina. I'm anxious to see how this unfolds.

Across town at Wyndemere, all sorts of bizarre things are going on.

Downstairs in the living room, Hayden Barnes has just been outed as Rachel Berlin, daughter of a shady investor who bilked people out of lots of money. It sounded like the plot of Two Broke Girls but not as funny. I just watched The Big Short today, and it turns out shady investors don't really go to jail, so it's obviously all fiction.

One happy thought for Hayden - now that her secret is out, Tracy has nothing else to blackmail her with, so she's off the hook there. Does Hayden actually love Nikolas? I think she does. But, with all the lies, just like Britt before her, it will be hard to get Nikolas to listen to anything she has to say. Her one bright shining hope of a second chance with Nikolas is if Spencer comes home for spring break and Nik lets her stay just to keep from breaking his son's heart. Also, Hayden might be pregnant, and Nik would be hard pressed to kick her to the curb if she were carrying his offspring. But other than that? I can't see how he could get past so many lies.

Upstairs in the attic, Laura and Lulu are exploring the mysterious box that is opened by Laura's key, Readers, I have to tell you right now if we have to watch Laura decoding the puzzle in that book of circled letters for months, I will lose my mind. It will be like an extended version of Ralphie decoding the Ovaltine ad in A Christmas Story.

Rumor has it she will enlist Scott to help her decipher the code. I hope those scenes are filled with flashbacks, because that, dear readers, is where I came in. Back in the glorious 70s, when Laura and Scott were dating. This was before Luke was even known to Port Charles, when they didn't have waterproof mascara, and when Laura cried on camera, big black streaks of mascara ran down her face. Those were the days, my friends.

Perhaps since Tony is retired and there can be no Luke and Laura reunion, this will pave the way for Laura and Scott to remember those two kids that fell in love nearly 40 years ago. Or maybe it's just Helena messing with her beautiful blonde head.

Helena's will was both curious and cruel. An empty envelope for Lulu? A penny for Sam? Nothing but the creepy painting for Nikolas, her supposedly beloved grandson? Nothing at all for precious little Spencer, who adored her? The creepy Book of Jake that may or may not unravel what happened to the boy while he was held prisoner n Greece. And finally, the cruelest gift of all, the dagger with which Helena murdered Alexis' mother.

I'm not totally thrilled with the writing on this storyline. My only hope is that there is more to these items than we currently know and that in time, it will all make sense, because right now, it makes no sense at all.

Speaking of Spencer -- the adorable and talented Nicholas Bechtel was nominated for a Daytime Emmy this year, as well as the object of his affection, Emma, played to perfection by the enchanting Brooklyn Rae Silzer. I really miss having them both on canvas. For a complete list of nominations, click here.

Even sadder is the fact that the awards won't be broadcast, which was my big hope of getting a Tony Geary fix, since he is also nominated. I'm hoping Dan J. Kroll, our fearless leader at can pull some strings and at least get it live-streamed on our site!

On with the show... My new section is called "More, please!" dedicated to people I like but don't see nearly enough of on GH. This week's "More, Please" award goes to Carolyn Hennesy, who plays sassy legal eagle Diane Miller. I never tire of seeing her, and she brings the comedy and the diva-licious attitude that makes my heart sing. I'm hoping more people in Port Charles have legal issues just so I can see more of Diane.

That having been said, the gratuitous scene where all the women in Port Charles ripped their shirts open and flashed their bras was funny but not exactly what I was hoping for in the dramatization of the fight for women's rights. But at least they won so Leo can eat when he's hungry. I'll take what I can get.

In the spirit of equality, I also note when the writers find cheap ways for the men to have to take their shirts off. Trust me, I am not complaining. It's a great view, and they all have very lovely bodies, but I can imagine those scenes must make the actors feel a little but used and abused sometimes. "I went to acting school for this?"

That's one of the things I like about Griffin Munro so far -- he has a soul and a conscience. If he was brought in to replace the nice guy Patrick Drake, they did a good job. His talk with Sonny on Friday about forgiveness, imploring Sonny not to seek revenge on Duke's killer and leaving things in God's hands, made my heart sing.

I hope that DNA test comes back that he is indeed Duke's son and that he's not secretly a WSB agent/mob hit man/Carlos' cousin, etc. For once, just let a character be the nice guy we believe him to be.

I say that in reference to Nathan, who we suddenly discover has been keeping secrets from Maxie for two years. The same guy who berated Levi for lying to her, is lying to her. The same guy who told Dante to come clean to Lulu, won't come clean to Maxie. I seriously hate that they made Nathan a liar. Maxie has been married before and had multiple lovers before. If Nathan had told her when they first met and said to her "I was married before," she would have taken it in stride, but since he kept it from her all this time and lied to her about Claudette being a poodle, when she does find out, it won't go down so easy.

In other lies, Sabrina told Michael she was going home to have her baby, but instead, he has discovered that she is with the very undead Carlos, and he's not sure if it's by choice or by force. My husband, who pretends he doesn't watch GH, was very bothered that Michael showed up at Anna's to ask questions, because he said he doesn't think those two even know one another. I reminded him that Anna used to show up at his house weekly, trying to arrest Sonny for something, but he was unmoved. "You don't go to a total stranger's house to question them about your lying girlfriend." But I don't have time right now to bring Jeff up to speed on Michael, Anna, Robin, and Sonny.

Now the man who pretends he doesn't watch GH is ranting about the Spoon Island ferry launch and how people just show up at Wyndemere after taking a boat ride, and no one knows they are on the island until they are in the house. Then, he spent time wondering if Patrick stopped at prison to visit his brother Matt before moving to Genoa City and changing his name. Oh, Jeff, why must you ask questions? Just suspend your disbelief like the rest of us already.

Two more contenders for the "More, Please" contest are more hilarious scenes of Liesl and Tracy sparring and more scenes with heart-to-heart soul-searching with Epiphany and Sonny.

One of my favorite moments of the week was that, after Hayden told Liz to pack up her "litter" of children by three different fathers and get out of her house, Liz got to be the one to tell Nikolas about Hayden's lies. Liz has been at the other end of this scenario before, so it was good to se her get to be the one to bust Hayden.

I want Liz to find love again. She's a good person who has made some questionable choices, but so what? Haven't we all? I know I have. But who should she fall for? Since Franco and Nina are at an impasse, maybe he and Liz will get closer. Maybe Dr. Finn, because Liz' boys will surely love Roxy. (If you were a One Life to Live fan, you will get the joke of his lizard being named Roxy.) Or maybe Liz will take a shine to the angelic Griffin Munro; she used to have a thing for good boys before she took a walk on the wild side into bad boy territory.

Back to Franco momentarily. My guess is that Nina will discover that she can indeed bear children and that she won't share this with Franco and will have unprotected sex with him in hopes of becoming pregnant. That sounds like a Nina thing to do, does it not?

Readers, the whole thing of Julian trying to shut down Crimson by sabotaging every issue of the magazine makes no sense to me. If he doesn't want it, why not just sell the magazine or shut it down honestly and just be done? Sure, the chaos has given Nina and Maxie something to do in their day-to-day jobs, but it's hard for me to buy lifelong mobster Julian afraid to make a business decision about a fashion magazine. If I am missing something here, please fill me in.

And finally, are we supposed to be sad that Sam and Jason are divorced? They don't seem to be. They are kissing and smiling, not quite what the typical divorce looks like at the end. But now, they can start fresh, and Jason can decide who he will be in the future and not go back to what he was and not remember. I don't really want Jason to be a hit man again; I'd rather he be something altogether new and just occasionally beat someone into submission when the situation calls for it. I say he should team up with Sam and Spinelli at Jackal P.I.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Roxy scare another hotel maid? Will anyone in Port Charles color Easter eggs, since all of the kids in town have basically vanished? Will my husband finally admit he's a GH fan after watching it with me for 27 years? Will Sabrina bring her baby back to Port Charles for Michael to adopt and raise like Sonny raised him but with less gunfire? Will bra companies give the GH ladies free bras to use as product placement ads for the next time they rip their blouses open? Will Helena's coded message to Laura have to do with Luke, Scotty, Stefan, Stavros, or all of the above? Will Nikolas start calling Hayden "Rachel" or turn her in and see her off to Pentonville for a GH spin-off of Orange is the New Black? Will Duke miraculously come back to life to meet his handsome son?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.

What are your thoughts on General Hospital? What did you think of this week's Two Scoops? We want to hear from you -- and there are many ways you can share your thoughts.

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Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of Soap Central or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen and what has happened, and to share their opinions on all of it. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same point of view.

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