Dear readers, I'll say up-front that my title is accurate. I got A's in English and a D in Algebra in school. So, perhaps Liz's backstory just doesn't make sense because I'm no good at math.
Let's go through it together and see if we can make it all add up.
Liz arrived in Port Charles on August 1, 1997, and her character was 16. That means now, in 2022 -- 25 years later -- she should be 41. At that time, supposedly, Hamilton Finn was already A) married, B) a doctor, and C) a doctor with enough experience that he was accepted into Doctors Without Borders. As I understand it, they have minimum experience requirements, so you can't be fresh out of med school. So, let's say Hamilton Finn had four years of college, four years of med school, and an estimated three to seven years as a resident to get into Doctors Without Borders. That would mean he was maybe 35 years old when Liz was 16? So, he's 20 years older than Liz, right? What does that make him now? This equation appears that X + Y = WTH (I would have used an F at the end, but this is a family column.)
Jeff Webber was always portrayed as a good guy in the days of GH past. But apparently, he became quite a sleaze after joining a charitable world relief organization that provided health care to the underserved people of the world.
Apparently, Jeff was a serial cheater. He cheated on Liz's mom, Carolyn, first with Hayden's mom and then again with Reiko. How many others? Was Dr. Webber just sleeping his way through the rainforest in between vaccine clinics?
Next up, this disease that Reiko had... Do you recall when Finn arrived in Port Charles with only his bearded dragon and a syringe? He kept injecting himself with a serum he was working on. Dr. Hamilton Finn was searching for a cure and experimenting on himself to try to discover a cure for the disease that killed Reiko. This was supposedly because he felt intense guilt and personal responsibility over Reiko's death.
Finn believed that his medical research and Reiko's choice to stay with him instead of going home was how she was exposed to this blood ailment.
But suddenly, we are told Reiko didn't stay in Doctors Without Borders to support her husband. Nope. She was really there to bang Liz's dad. And when 16-year-old Liz discovered her dad's affair, she wrestled Reiko on a staircase and caused Reiko to fall down a flight of stairs. We were told that the effect of that fall and a blood transfusion gone wrong exposed Reiko to the fatal disorder that killed her. Say what?
It doesn't add up to me that Liz knew Reiko and Finn when she was a teen, but after all these years of working with Finn, befriending him, being an aunt to his daughter, and now sleeping with Finn, she never recognized that he was the guy from her past whose wife she killed?
Never once did her brain say, "Hey, this guy looks vaguely familiar. Where do I know him from?" Sure, I know Liz's parents gave her some drugged tea and hypnotized her, but did they give Finn the tea, too? Wouldn't Finn have said the day he started at GH, "Hey, there's the little witch that pushed my wife down the stairs!"
Readers...have the writers seriously been mapping out this terrible plot ever since Peter was pushed down the stairs? Yikes.
But wait, there's more. To make our mathematic equation even more unsolvable, we are expected to believe that Liz's parents 1) knew their daughter was involved in someone's death, 2) knew she was severely traumatized by it, 3) decided to sedate her and brainwash her, and 4) sent her to live at her Gran's house? Does Audrey know all of this?
Make it make sense. The numbers don't add up, and this story is absolutely absurd.
But with all that having been said, there is a silver lining: Rebecca Herbst. Oh, she's so amazing! She is the light shining through the fog of this storyline. The most powerful scenes were when Elizabeth railed at her parents for missing all the milestones of her life -- the celebration and tragedy -- and they just stood there stone-faced as she raged.
She absolutely ripped my heart out; I am sure she did yours, too. Haven't we all been in that place where something monumental happened in our lives, and the people we thought would be there for us just weren't? "You would rather save a world full of strangers than your own daughter!" Ouch!
When she reminded them that they missed her graduation from nursing school, the birth of her kids, and her weddings, and that they didn't even show up after her husband's brutal murder! Honestly, what excuse could they muster that would make up for that? That ache came across Ms. Herbst's face, and we could, as the song says, trace the trail of her tears. A truly brilliant performance on her part, convoluted storytelling aside.
Becky is killing every tear-filled scene and performing the hell out of this loopy storyline she was given, just as she always does. She has done powerhouse performances for years. Like when she was raped. Like when she thought Lucky died in a fire. Like when Jason died the first time. Like when Lucky found out Liz and Nikolas were having an affair. Like when Jake came back from the dead. She is always spot-on. Rebecca Herbst is a beautiful performer. She never fails to deliver, no matter what they write for her. She just deserves a more plausible end to this current story. I hope it's still coming.
P.S. Side note, speaking of Lucky, I have been watching Nashville on Hulu, which has reminded me about how amazingly talented Jonathan Jackson is. It made me jones for Lucky to come home to Port Charles. Liz could use him right now, since I am guessing her 63-year-old boyfriend won't want her anymore when he discovers that she killed Reiko.
Now that I got that rant off my chest, I feel quite the opposite about Holly's storyline. It is thrilling to see Emme Samms again and to witness that magical chemistry between her and Tristan Rogers. Hot diggity dog, those two still sparkle in every scene together.
We guessed what was going on with Holly all week, and now we know. Victor is holding someone Holly loves hostage and is using them to control her. I guess he has Ethan, but it could also be Luke. Or possibly even both of them, father and son. I would be delighted to see either of them, but especially Luke.
Victor sent Valentin off to see Charlotte, presumably to keep him out of the way so Victor could frame Anna for Lucy's murder. I don't believe Lucy is dead, of course. No body, no death. Sometimes even with a body, there is no death. I am sure Peter August will be back soon, or they wouldn't keep talking about him all the time. I assume that Anna's look-alike we saw shooting Lucy was either Holly in a mask or Alex.
But we also have the Hook on the loose. We don't know which woman is behind those killings, either. Esme? Well, I was sure it was her, but she was safely locked up in the tower at Wyndemere. Is it Ryan in drag? Esme's nanny? The deputy mayor?
But readers, we cannot rule out the possibility of Heather Webber. Sure, she has no connection to Trina or the case at hand, but for all we know, she did fingerpainting in Ferncliff with Ryan Chamberlain back in the day and is killing people on his hit list just for kicks.
Another theory is that Heather, not Felicia, is Esme's birth mom, and mommy Heather is avenging her daughter's enemies. That's the one I hope is true.
Imagine having Ryan and Heather as parents. Could you be anything but insane? If so, that would make Franco and Esme half siblings, which could mean Franco is somewhere out there to put Austin out of his misery.
I know people have a lot of opinions about recasting Heather with Alley Mills in the role. Here is my opinion: I think she's fantastic. I loved her on Wonder Years and as a loopy lemon bar-making Pam on The Bold and the Beautiful, and I trust that she will shine as the deeply disturbed Heather Webber.
Readers, I loved Robin Mattson. I couldn't imagine a recast, either. But I heard Robin has retired and doesn't want to work anymore. Good for her. I am nearing that point myself. So, if we must have a recast, I think GH picked a winner. Please give Alley Mills a chance, even though you really loved Robin. I mean, think about how much we love the recasts of Spencer and Trina now and how mad everyone was when they were recast. I would rather have a recast Heather Webber than no Heather Webber at all!
When I told my husband, who pretends he doesn't watch GH, that Heather Webber was back on, he said, "Has she had her BLT yet?" And we laughed and laughed.
Since I mentioned Austin, I feel the need to expound on that. *Again.* I have loved Roger Howarth since his days as Todd Manning on One Life to Live. I loved him as Franco, and I was sure I would love him in any role. I was wrong. I have not fallen for Austin, just like I could never truly embrace Tony Geary as Bill Eckert. I almost did during Leo's autism diagnosis storyline. I really started to like Austin in those scenes. But then his creepy-ass cousin Mason showed up, and I haven't felt much goodwill for him since.
First, the mystery of who the cousin is, who the boss is, and who is pulling their strings has dragged out too long. Have I ever mentioned to you that impatience is my fatal flaw as a human being? I know this partly because I am self-aware and partly because my husband always tells me how impatient I am. He's right. I have none. I don't like cars that drive under the speed limit. I don't like people who saunter in front of me when I am trying to get somewhere. (Even though, as I am getting older, I'm not that speedy anymore myself!) I don't like storylines that drag on and never resolve. Let's get to it! Let's get moving! Life is short.
Maybe since it's sweeps month next week, it will all become clear, and I can stop whining. But when Austin asked Spinelli to see if he and Maxie were a match, I could tell him with 100% certainty and without using the Society Setups algorithm that the answer is no.
Maybe when Spinelli delivers the bad news, Austin can go back to flirting with Britt until she leaves, because I saw something promising there. I swear he even has more chemistry with Gladys than with Maxie. Maxie had sizzling chemistry with Nathan, but since he's dead, I say let's go backward. I always loved Pixie. I think Maxie and Spinelli are adorable together. Since Maxie has had so many sad love stories, can't she just have one with the guy who loves her more than anything on this earth? Does that ever happen anywhere but in Hallmark movies?
Readers, I was so happy to see Sister Laura Spencer show up to save Valentin. I always miss Genie Francis when she's on breaks, but I want her to have as many vacations as she wants, so we don't lose her completely. She's my age, so she may be thinking about slowing down a little, too. Seeing her partner with Valentin is funny, like Nina and Ava's friendship is funny. From archenemies to frenemies to friends? The transitions aren't always smooth, but they are always entertaining.
In this instance, Laura (and Kevin) responded to Anna's request to assist Valentin, as Anna wisely suspected it was a trap. I guessed wrong about Charlotte being aged. She's the same as when we last saw her, not a 20-something, which is fantastic. What will happen when they all return to Port Charles and Victor realizes his plan failed? I think Charlotte needs a pet chip installed on her because heaven knows where Victor might hide her next time he kidnaps her.
Next up, I have another equation that doesn't add up. Drew and Carly are avoiding each other, so it won't look like they were close, so they can't be accused of insider trading... um, have they forgotten that Carly is Michael's mother? Is Carly going to avoid her son from now on, too? Will anyone believe Carly and Michael aren't close? Wouldn't the authorities assume she got the inside info from her son? More bad algebra.
Readers, I have a confession. I hope that Portia does not tell Curtis about Trina being his daughter because I want Jordan to tell him and blow up her whole life. She's driving me nuts with this, and I really want to see Jordan and Curtis get a second shot, anyway. Is that mean?
Portia is a doctor and a serious woman, but lately, they have morphed her into acting like a giddy teenage girl all giggly about her wedding plans. She was shocked to hear that the Hook targeted people close to Trina. Portia is more intelligent than that. And let's examine this secret she's holding onto. First, does she know for sure that Curtis is Trina's dad? It seemed like she was convinced in the past, but she told Jordan she didn't know. I'm confused.
She divorced Taggert so this secret would not break up her marriage. Trina is an adult now, who has handled being framed for a crime and nearly going to prison. If Portia said to Trina, "Honey, as you know, I was seeing Curtis while I was married to your dad, and there's a chance he's your biological dad, I'd like you to take a DNA test so we can be sure," Trina would be angry at her mom for lying, and Curtis and Taggert wouldn't be happy, either. But when the test results came back, it would settle it once and for all, and their little family would find their way through it.
As I mentioned in my last column, I did a DNA test last year and discovered I had two cousins, kids one of my family members gave up for adoption. After all the flurry of disbelief died down, everyone welcomed them in. Families find ways to get through this. I have told a few friends about this; two of them had also taken DNA tests and discovered they had family they didn't know about. The reason these stories work is that they are so common and so human. I take back my earlier statement. I hope Portia does tell Curtis. Mostly because I don't want to still be watching her fret over it until Valentine's Day 2023, But if she doesn't tell him, then yes, by all means, let Jordan tell Curtis and blow up Portia's life.
What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Finn remember a teenage Liz killed his wife and get it on with crazy Heather for revenge? Will Anna teach dance classes for her fellow inmates in Pentonville? Will Willow have to go to Mercy Hospital, since, after Britt leaves, only infectious disease doctor Finn, intern T.J., and Chief of Staff Terry will be left? (Unless Epiphany passes her test.) Will Sam still want to be besties with Drew when she realizes Carly was macking on her ex? How many men have those two cross-pollinated now?
Will Finn please keep going to see Anna in jail, because I still like them together? (But I also like Anna and Valentin. #Torn) Will Sonny and Robert decide they like each other after teaming up to help Anna and become drinking buddies? Will Obrecht get Scott to the altar with her new sexy siren look? Will Brook Lynn warn Blaze about Linc or just let her get harassed to stick it to Linc? Will Chase ever get his phone back from Brook Lynn and see the email that says the PCPD is waiting for his character reference letter? Will the Hook and Alexis become pen pals? Will Joss, Cam, and Trina take a hint and transfer to some school on Sonny's private island in Puerto Rico to escape the killer?
Will Willow tell anyone she has cancer before she keels over? Will Oscar come back to life, since everyone is talking about him? Will Oscar's ghost start haunting the people visiting his park, since they have all seemingly forgotten about his mom, Kim? Will GH stop obscure name-dropping characters like Winston Rudge that make me go googling through the Internet to try to remember who the heck they are?
Will Sonny stop lying to Nina about how much his kids love her, since she's only seen them a few times, and they probably couldn't pick her out of a lineup of blondes at the Macy's cosmetics counter? Will Joss confront Carly about the kiss she saw, or will she use it as a weapon to throw in Sonny's face next time she doesn't need his protection from a serial killer?
Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.
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