This little piggy had a ball

For the Week of March 7, 2005
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GH Two Scoops: This little piggy had a ball
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When I saw Rachel call Jax over with the ridiculous 'I got my toe stuck in the drainpipe' story this week, I concluded someone on the GH writing team is a fan of That Girl and probably has the box set on DVD.

I haven't seen anyone get their toe stuck in something since That Girl (a.k.a Marlo Thomas) got her toe stuck in a bowing ball while wearing a groovy miniskirt back in 1966 in the episode from which I stole the title of this week's column. I was 5 when that show aired, and I still remember it, because even at 5, I thought to myself "It sure is dumb to stick your toe in something and get it stuck." When I saw Rachel call Jax over with the ridiculous "I got my toe stuck in the drainpipe" story this week, I concluded someone on the GH writing team is a fan of That Girl and probably has the box set on DVD. I would also like to point out that if my naked roommate called my boyfriend to come and unstick her fat toe from a drainpipe, and he actually went, I would kick his --- (Word I can't use in a family-friendly column.) I would let her and her gi-normous toe sit in cold bath water and shrivel up into a giant prune rather than have my boyfriend going over to wrestle her naked wet body out of the tub. But that's just me.

That Rachel is a piece of work. First, I must confess, I am gullible and na´ve. I only know this as everyone tells me so. I thought OJ was framed. I thought Scott Petersen really WAS fishing. I think Michael Jackson is being extorted, I honestly don't believe he has ever had sex with anyone, much less a child. I am even so gullible that when Rachel did her sobbing "I am so sorry for what I have done to you and I want to make amends" speech to Courtney, I TOTALLY bought it, and thought "Hey, they are going to make Rachel grow a conscience and be nice!" So imagine my chagrin when I saw Rachel with the giant hunk of Barbie hair (I HAD a Barbie styling head when I was a kid, so don't even think I don't know what I am talking about.) and do that Mark Fuhrman thing and dribble some of AJ's blood on it. She then stuffed it in a Ziploc bag and casually slid it into the file of evidence for a MURDER trial that Steven has carelessly left on the reception desk unattended to go off to take a cell phone call. Um, isn't the point of cell phones that you can take the call right where you are? Of course, one may assume that the people that sent the file of evidence to Steven may have actually kept a record of what they sent, and catalogued their evidence. One may assume that Rachel's Ziploc bag may be a different brand of baggie than the Bahamian Police Dept. used. In fact, I have been to the Bahamas many times and don't recall seeing ANY baggies with zip seals. Of course, I was plastered on coconut rum most of the time I was there, so that could have some bearing on why I wouldn't have been cognizant of baggies. Rachel did get Courtney to actually commit a crime and embezzle her own money from her own foundation (someone with math smarts, explain this to me, please?) so just for that, I have to give Rachel props. Courtney has now broken the law. Too bad Martha Stewart is already out, they could have been cellmates.

Speaking of cellmates, Skye may have one soon. You have to know when to lie in life. You have to know when to keep your big fat mouth shut. Skye does not understand this concept. She committed a crime, got away with it, and she let her guilty conscience drive her to confess. Hey! Skye! Next time, go to church and pray and ask God to forgive you and skip the Police Department, okay? How can Luke be involved with a woman who would confess?

Luke had a troubling week even before Skye confessed to springing Faith. Lucky, whom the doctors said would never regain consciousness, woke up. (Just shows what THEY know.) After Luke kept a bedside vigil for him for days and sang to him and talked to him, fought for him - Lucky woke up...pissed and ungrateful. If we don't eventually get a Luke and Lucky reunion scene with weeping and hugging, I am going to be very annoyed. And to make things even worse, Sonny knows Luke sprung Faith from prison and blames him (at least a little) for Michael's "death." Seeing Luke and Sonny together made me happy. They had one of those great soap friendships - like Luke and Robert Scorpio had back in the day. I hope we will get more scenes with the two of them, they have great chemistry - two powerhouses in one room are very, very watchable.

Sonny was astonishing this week in every single second of every single scene. From his "gut wrenching anguished Dad in search of a child" to his "Angry mob boss hell bent on revenge" - I believed everything. I have seen Maurice Benard on talk shows. He seems to be a friendly, decent man. But when he stands in front of the cameras on the sets of General Hospital, Maurice vanishes and Sonny Corinthos emerges larger than life and he played the full range of emotions this week, anger, betrayal, fear, loss, anger - and all brilliantly. I would like to sit Sonny down and give him a brief theology lesson though, just to assure him that God does NOT kill your children to pay you back for sinning... But other than that, he was pretty perfect this week.

There were some delightfully unexpected moments this week - Sonny encouraging Ric and telling him not to blame himself for the kidnapping. Did anyone think they'd EVER see that? Carly and Alexis hugging and being genuinely affectionate with one another as they both worried for the lives of their children. Another scene I didn't think I'd ever see. I was also amazed and delighted to see Alexis -the real one. The one we loved before she became Dobson and got freaky OCD about her baby... That intelligent strong woman re-emerged this week, to comfort her husband, to comfort Carly, and even after her own daughter was home safely, she actually is still worried about Michael, as though other people exist! I'm so happy that I would do cartwheels if I wasn't 43 years old. Last but not least, Ted King as Lorenzo is just the sexiest guy on Television, IMHO. Lorenzo is a very handsome criminal, but LITERATE and tender, too. Most of our lovable GH thugs are sexy to a degree, but you couldn't really discuss the Maxfield Parrish exhibit you saw at the museum or your favorite Whitman poem with them. Ah, but with Lorenzo Alcazar? After a tough day of illegal activity, he could crack open a bottle of wine, give you the Pinot Noir speech from Sideways, discuss the cloud formations in Ecstasy, and finish quoting your Whitman poem. Yummy.

I also have to comment on Cynthia Preston who plays Faith. Most of the time when we see Faith, she is a really excellent villain. We love to hate her, we have to stop ourselves from rooting for her. Even though she's insane and keeps her poison ring stocked up for just the right moment, we occasionally see her vulnerability and think perhaps she has a reason for being bitter... My Pastor always says "Behind every obnoxious act is a cry for help." and Faith is the poster child for that sentiment. When Justus visits Faith, tries to smother her, then proceeds to cons her into confessing that she did NOT kill Michael, Faith's labored breathing, whimpering cries with real snot dripping, and quivering lip looked like Emmy caliber acting to me. It's a shame to see her go. We learned that she does indeed have a partner (If you don't do Spoilers, skip to the next paragraph NOW) and many of you have written me suspecting that AJ has Michael. "WHAT? But AJ is dead!" Some of you may be saying - but- no, he is not dead. Yes, Alan saw a body in the morgue, but let's face it, that's the same way AJ looked when Carly got him drunk and wheeled him outside in the dumpster. I think he just had too many Jell-O shooters the night before and feel asleep in the morgue drawer like that old Night Shift movie with Fonzie and Mr. Mom.

Note: I have officially changed positions. The first week Reese was on, I didn't like her. Now I do. She has redeemed herself in my eyes this week - she let Jason and Sonny pummel Faith's weasely assistant to get info out of him, and was right in there firing away with them in the great "Gunfight at the O.K. Corral Church" That whole section of guns blazing, constant firing, roll and duck and dive to miss the bullets" stuff was primo. Soap fights and gunshots used to be so hokey, but this was as well choreographed as an old Paula Abdul video.

Morgan and Kristina are home safe, and I'll be darned if being kidnapped wasn't actually GOOD for Kristina. The kid smiled and waved and actually made eye contact and interacted with other human beings when she got home! She and Lucky were living parallel existences this week- they were in comas and after a sudden jolt to their systems; they are now both exhibiting signs of life again. Good for Kristina! Morgan is getting cuter by the day, but I worried about him the day Michael pushed Faith into his playpen; I was afraid the poor kid would get a stiletto in the eye. I'm so codependent.

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will Rachel and her fat Fred Flintstone toe get stuck someplace else naked where only Jax can rescue them? Will Michael figure out how to run away from his captors as easily as he used to dodge Leticia? Will someone please send Bridget to Brat Camp and give Hope back to Sam? Will Dillon and Georgie bring Maxie back when they return from the black hole? Will Courtney go get Rosie and SICK her on the psycho in her apartment? Will Emily tell Nik to grab a razor and shave that beard so he doesn't look like scruffy Connor the whacko rapist anymore?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.

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