Death by number

For the Week of May 2, 2005
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GH Two Scoops: Death by number
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Soap Rule # 343; if you hear 5-10 people talking about how much they'd dig it if some certain dude was dead, by weeks end said certain dude will BE dead. Bank on it.

Soap Rule # 343; if you hear 5-10 people talking about how much they'd dig it if some certain dude was dead, by weeks end said certain dude will BE dead. Bank on it. This is how Soapdom sets up a Murder Mystery. The day before AJ died, Emily, Monica, Courtney, Carly, Rachel, Jason, Sonny, and Ric all expressed in one way or another that they wouldn't mind if AJ didn't recover. Some went so far as to bellow it out loudly in a public corridor of the hospital - "I wish AJ was dead!" In real life, when someone is murdered, the killers very rarely shout their intentions around the city, and instead hold tearful news conferences saying "Please help me find my missing wife! I am lost without her!" which suckers like me always buy, while instead they have dumped her body over their fishing boat.

AJ was an idiot. He was flat on his back incapacitated unable to move and still spouting threats at people. Next thing we know, we see that "Franken-Cam" shot that looks like a shadow of a monster is lumbering over to AJ's bed, but we didn't even see shoes this time as stilettos versus Nikes may have given away the gender of the killer. Mac Scorpio was an idiot too- he knew half the town wanted AJ dead and AJ was wanted on kidnapping charges and attempted murder for shooting Alan- yet nary a Hospital security or police guard to be found near his door. All the people who wanted him dead could just randomly come in and out of his room and threaten him. Lucky for us Liz the student nurse was perched outside the door to see Carly sprinting away from AJ's room, or Mac wouldn't have known whom to arrest. The big evidence was Carly's fingerprints on the pillow. Wouldn't that pillow also have Liz's prints on it, or Monica's from when she came in and stroked AJ's hair to say she loved him? Did Carly do it? She told Jason she didn't and she doesn't normally lie to him even when she does really bad stuff. Thus, I say, No, she didn't do it. I saw a bumper sticker that said "A friend helps you move, but a real friend helps you move bodies." Jason is her real friend.

So who did do it? Good question. Maybe Tracy or Edward or some other Q did it because AJ stole all their money and it has nothing to do with Michael's kidnapping or the Mob element at all? Maybe Lorenzo did it to be a hero to Carly. Maybe Michael did it after Reese told him AJ was a Liar-Lips/Fibber-Face. Maybe the Bahamian Pool Concierge flew in and killed AJ because he never tipped him for fresh towels. Who knows?

I hope it was Michael; the kid has enough trouble with crazy psycho Mob parents and the 3 Stooges who claim to be his "real Grandpa" bickering in the hospital corridor over him. Having one less crazy relative in his life would be beneficial. Not to mention that scoring your first mob hit at age 9 would make people like the 5 Families think twice before kidnapping any more Corinthos kids.

Alexis has kidnapped Kristina, and if you want to know what she is really up to, go read the spoilers. My 2-Scoops E-pal RicK asked me to keep spoilers out of this column as he likes the column but wants to be surprised by the show events. To humor him, I am behaving and not dropping bombshells in this space as he amuses me with fake GH scripts that make me spit Starbucks out of my mouth when I read them. Ric has already discovered that Alexis was faking her "therapy" and as we discovered Friday she had Kristina's medical records shipped to London. It would serve Alexis right if Kristina had a relapse and only Sonny's blood could save her. Since we have no more Umbilical Cord Stem Cells, next time Kristina is ailing we will need to find someway to save her.

Luke is back and nabbed Tracy to use as bait for Helena. I have to admit; Luke and Tracy had a little bit of unexpected chemistry even with Tracy bound and gagged. So, if Skye and Lorenzo's little business arrangement turns romantic, Luke could have a fling with Tracy to seduce her out of something and I would be okay with that. It has been years since Tracy has had sex, no wonder she is so crabby.

Time takes odd forms in Port Charles, I used to marvel at the fact you could travel someplace in 3 minutes that would take others hours, but now I am even more blown away by the lightning speed of an autopsy report. At around 3:10 PM they announced they were doing an autopsy report on AJ. At approximately 3:17PM Steven came parading out to announce the cause of death was Murder, by suffocation, and knew it had been a pillow placed over AJ's face. All the paperwork had been typed up neatly in a manila folder, to boot. So, they chopped AJ up, ran tests, typed up and filed a report, and had a commercial break all in 7 minutes? Score! New World Record!

Another world record was Jason's ability to track down the rubber ball Michael used the last time he was catatonic. Even in a whole new house and presumably packed up in some "Corinthos's Gone Crazy" First Aid Kit - Jason tracked it down. Good thinking Jase. And HE is supposed to be brain damaged! The most touching scene of the week is when Michael's little hand reached up and touched Carly's hair. I said Awww, out loud alone to my TV. I said it loud enough that it intrigued my husband to come in and see what I was "Awww-ing" about, but as soon as he realized it was GH, he rolled his eyes and sprinted out of the room. Stupidest scene of the week, Jason sneaking Carly into the hospital in the Speed Racer "Racer X" disguise - "Hey, just give her some glasses and a lab coat, no one will know it's her."

Now that AJ and Faith are gone, we have Durant to hate, and quite frankly, I do hate him. Helena has also breezed back into town, and I know I am supposed to hate her, but I secretly like her a little and may like her even more if she goes back to torturing Emily who has been getting on my nerves for months now. Every time I watch Joan of Arcadia and see our sweet and talented Amber Tamblyn I have to ask myself "Would I be more sympathetic to Emily's storyline if Amber was still playing Em?" and the answer is yes. Amber is so genuine in her acting that she makes you care about her. Natalia OTOH, has been given too many scenes where she is just shrieking at people and without the depth to show her pain through the shrieking, it's just irritating. If someone came along and clunked Emily in the head with a wooden post, I would feel sad for Nikolas, and Liz, and Monica, Alan and Jason, but I wouldn't feel sad for Emily herself, if that makes sense.

There are only a handful of characters I am rooting for on GH; Lorenzo, for instance. For some reason, he really MOVES me. His devotion to Carly, the way he loves her; silently and patiently waits for her (and yes I recall he once stalked and kidnapped her, but that's in the past. NOW he is a gentleman. :) A whole army of women could throw themselves at him, and while he may have a fling, his heart solidly belongs to Carly. I want him to GET Carly. I want him to WIN. I like Courtney and Jax, but I am not invested in their success or failure. Sonny and Reese haven't reeled me in just yet. Alan and Monica have already been divorced and remarried about 22 times. I am waiting for some GH love story to ENTHRALL me, and right now, it just doesn't exist.

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will Jax find out Brenda is in Las Vegas at the Montecito and split for a weekend casino junket? Will Bobbie find out Jerry Jacks is doing Sprint commercials and sign up for Unlimited Nights and Weekends? Will Nikolas find out Old-Emily is now talking to God in Arcadia and ask her to put in a good word for him? Will Luke see Laura in the North and South Time/Life DVD commercial and try to take on Patrick Swayze? Will Rachel see AJ two-timing her with Pam Anderson on Baywatch reruns and head for California to plot revenge?

Only tomorrow knows dear readers and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.

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